Disappointment

Staring at the keyboard, begging it to give me release. You see, contact from you this weekend has sent my head all around the world. A word of advice I was given once is if your mind gets stuck on a wrong action. Think it all the way through, think about the consequences, etc that would follow. And you know, that is very good advice, however my brain keeps tripping off the satisfaction of doing wrong. Although I know me, there's no way I'd enjoy the wrong. The whole time I would be kicking myself for messing up, no enjoyment. But in my mind I can enjoy it right? Wrong, if it stays on your brain too long it eventually becomes an action. One that I don't ever want to come about. So why right? Why even think about it? Why even ponder on it? Weakness I guess. No I know what it is, disappointment and settlement. You know how you start off with faith and determination and then as time marches on you begin to feel each moment that passes right under your skin you are no closer today than you were six years ago to where you want to be. You start to feel like this has to be all that I'm worth, there must not be anything better for me. Cause if there were wouldn't it have happened by now? I can argue both sides, in the end today I feel so lonely. Today I have no release for the affection that I NEED within my heart, tomorrow either for that matter. Pinned up and cornered in, depression is all I feel. I need a release just like anyone else. Its hard to want to be better, when there's no outlet for better it in my grasp.