Rainy Friday

So its a rainy Friday and I'm sitting on the edge many different feelings if you will.

• Am I happy? I guess so.
• Am I sad? Hmmm, I guess so.
• Am I excited? AAAAANNNN, I don't know.
• Am I surprised? Nope.
• What am I?
• Who am I?
• What do I wanna do?
• Who do I wanna be?

Oh, the thought of this is overwhelming at times. Even being the best me possible, would that be enough to be truly happy? No... so then why try? Because trying will make me happy? I don't know.

So this rainy Friday is wish day. What do I wish for? What would I need to be truly happy?

Of course this is after my life is reconciled to God. The freedom to understand and I mean truly understand the value that I add to.... shoot anything. It was the hardest thing for me to understand how much my father above sacrificed just so that I could have the opportunity to choose him. Some days I still feel unworthy of that, but that's a work in progress. But WHY oh why do I fail to understand how much I could mean to another human being? Could it be that the person I choose NEVER chooses me back. And the one guy I thought and believed chose me, turns out he "chose" me by default. I may NEVER forgive him for telling me that. But actually it was what I needed to hear when I heard it. It explained so much about our disconnect in our relationship. Here I was thinking that there was something wrong with me, when actually he was looking for me to be someone else. So it never really mattered what I did, I could never be her, so I would never be good enough. This realization stabs me over fifty million times in my soul. All the years, blood, sweat, tears, and agony over something that was beyond me. For reasons beyond explanation at the moment this person is still in my life. But its so not the same! His compliments sound weird now, his looks of approval seem false now. Whenever he attempts to be who he used to be to me, it feels..... I don't know but my heart doesn't leap for joy anymore. I used to LOVE him! Thinking of him was all I needed to be happy. Loving him gave me that burst of energy to RUN around that track. Watch what I was eating, the pounds were sliding off and I was loving me some him. But alas whenever I was feeling high, he found a way to bring me down. Shattered and depressed I remained on the floor. Why didn't I leave him then? I couldn't see past my love for him. I couldn't see that he wasn't loving me back. I know there's bits and pieces of me that he carries in his heart, how could you feel nothing for someone who loved you that much? But I don't think I could ever love him like I loved him before. I don't think I could be that blind again. So where does that leave me today? My mind and body have moved on, but my heart is just frozen.

So I guess I'm saying that I wish I understood why someone would want to be with me. And to feel like I am being the best me that would allow me to be comfortable with someone loving me the way I deserve to be loved.

Sound complicated? It did when I just read it. But I really hope that someone out there understands what I mean. I cant be anyone but me, and I don't want anyone who wants me to be someone else.