Just Once

I was driving in my car minding my own business when this song came on the radio. Yes an oldie, but goodie! But I couldnt have said it so well myself:

Just Once

I did my best
But I guess my best
wasn't good enough
'Cause here we are back
where we were before
Seems nothing ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we oughta stay
or head on out the door

Just once
can't we figure out
what we keep doing wrong?
Why we never last for very long
What are we doing wrong?
Just once
can't we find a way to
finally make it right?
Make the magic last
for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it

I gave my all
But I think my all
may have been too much
'Cause Lord knows
we're not getting anywhere
Seems we're always blowing
whatever we've got going
And seems at times
with all we've got
we haven't got a prayer

Just once
can't we figure out
what we keep doing wrong?
Why the good times
never last for very long
What are we doing wrong?
Just once
can't we find a way to
finally make it right?
And make the magic last
for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it

Just once
I want to understand
why it always comes
back to goodbye
Why can't we give
ourselves a hand?
And admit to one another
We're no good without the other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together

Just once
can't we find a way to
finally make it right?
Woh, make the magic last
for more than just one night
I know we can break through it
If we could just get to it
just once

Woh, we could get to it
just once

http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/james-ingram-lyrics/just-once-lyrics.html

And the shoe drops

Can it just be said that loving someone who constantly puts ANYONE ahead of you, BUT demands to be in front of everyone else does not work. You may have figured this out on your own, but I tell you. I am the slowest learner in this "Love" Game. My parents were good people who happened to love each other the right way right away. I'm so thankful they found each (not just because I am a product of their love) but because they deserve each other. Now me and my sibs on the other hand, we grew up in that love and then went forth out into the world. None of us are prepared for what lays out here. All these idiots who want to exploit your innocence. Its a cruel, cruel world. My short lived re-entry to the love world came to a screeching HALT Friday morning. With the excited exclamation that you wanted to take someone else the place that you promised to take me, I kicked myself for being so dumb. How many years are we going to play this game? How many times will I feel this way? Two days after our embrace I knew it wasn't gonna work, but I kind of hoped the good vibes would last a little longer. It was nice to see you without any trauma attached. It was nice to smile at you, and feel like you were welcomed in my home. But alas here we are. My emotions raging inside me, and you have no idea. Man! This place seems so familiar. Oh yea, that's right... I don't belong here.
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 Dust yourself off, this time you only lost a kiss to him. It could've been worse. I just wish that when the other shoe dropped it didn't then take on a new life and stomp all over my head. Oh well. Here's to eternal singleness!

State of Confusion

Your fingers did the talking, but on schedule you spoke to my secret. Instead of denying what was screaming inside of me I let my fingers speak on it. In electronic agreement we met. In your arms I found myself. A place I have missed for years.

Hearing you speak to me, just wish it still didn't feel like pulling nails to even hear you admit to loving me. Why cant you just declare it, and mean it with all intensity. The smell of your breath is fresh on the morning dew. There's so much I want to say to you, but the words get in the way. My thoughts were suspended in a fog was I surrendered to your request. Missing you deeply, and needing you wholly I gave in to the moment.

Morning reflection has me in a state of confusion. My mind and heart are screaming at each other. The battle has begun, who knows how this will end. My heart leaps for joy as it says Yay, my mind takes it's battle stance as it says Nay! Maybe time will decide for me, who knows. Should I trust you? My mind says NO although my heart wants to desperately. Honestly I don't want to be with anyone else. But my mind says this will not end happily. What to do? What to do?

Kiss

What is the BEST kiss you've ever had?

All the sudden I decided I wanted to talk about this.The best kiss and first kiss (I mean time kissing someone) I've ever had was in high school. I cant even put into words what made that kiss so special to me. Maybe it was the fact for the FIRST TIME EVER the person I liked, liked me back. Maybe that has something to do with it. LOL! But yes my eyes roll into my head when I think about it even to this day.

Fast forward a couple years, and I remember telling someone that a kiss is a form of affection. And just like with anything else with me, I don't just give my kisses to just anyone. Then fast forward some more years and the guy that I whine about on here. Yea him... there was a period where we stopped kissing. I don't know why, all the sudden I felt inadequate to do it, from which I don't think I ever recovered. We did start kissing again and I liked it very much. But you'll NEVER hear me say.... "I'm a good kisser." Nope! Never! LOL!  I don't think I could proudly say, Yes I'm the best kisser... or even a good kisser. I'm not gonna lie to you, the thought of kissing someone new scares me. What if the person I attempt to kiss feels that the first kiss will tell them everything about our relationship in the future? I haven't been kissed in years (my fault I assure you) and I KNOW I'm gonna fumble that one when my next opportunity comes. Just because I will be extremely vulnerable and insecure about my skills. I just hope it doesn't matter in the end.... hope springs eternal!

Rainy Friday

So its a rainy Friday and I'm sitting on the edge many different feelings if you will.

• Am I happy? I guess so.
• Am I sad? Hmmm, I guess so.
• Am I excited? AAAAANNNN, I don't know.
• Am I surprised? Nope.
• What am I?
• Who am I?
• What do I wanna do?
• Who do I wanna be?

Oh, the thought of this is overwhelming at times. Even being the best me possible, would that be enough to be truly happy? No... so then why try? Because trying will make me happy? I don't know.

So this rainy Friday is wish day. What do I wish for? What would I need to be truly happy?

Of course this is after my life is reconciled to God. The freedom to understand and I mean truly understand the value that I add to.... shoot anything. It was the hardest thing for me to understand how much my father above sacrificed just so that I could have the opportunity to choose him. Some days I still feel unworthy of that, but that's a work in progress. But WHY oh why do I fail to understand how much I could mean to another human being? Could it be that the person I choose NEVER chooses me back. And the one guy I thought and believed chose me, turns out he "chose" me by default. I may NEVER forgive him for telling me that. But actually it was what I needed to hear when I heard it. It explained so much about our disconnect in our relationship. Here I was thinking that there was something wrong with me, when actually he was looking for me to be someone else. So it never really mattered what I did, I could never be her, so I would never be good enough. This realization stabs me over fifty million times in my soul. All the years, blood, sweat, tears, and agony over something that was beyond me. For reasons beyond explanation at the moment this person is still in my life. But its so not the same! His compliments sound weird now, his looks of approval seem false now. Whenever he attempts to be who he used to be to me, it feels..... I don't know but my heart doesn't leap for joy anymore. I used to LOVE him! Thinking of him was all I needed to be happy. Loving him gave me that burst of energy to RUN around that track. Watch what I was eating, the pounds were sliding off and I was loving me some him. But alas whenever I was feeling high, he found a way to bring me down. Shattered and depressed I remained on the floor. Why didn't I leave him then? I couldn't see past my love for him. I couldn't see that he wasn't loving me back. I know there's bits and pieces of me that he carries in his heart, how could you feel nothing for someone who loved you that much? But I don't think I could ever love him like I loved him before. I don't think I could be that blind again. So where does that leave me today? My mind and body have moved on, but my heart is just frozen.

So I guess I'm saying that I wish I understood why someone would want to be with me. And to feel like I am being the best me that would allow me to be comfortable with someone loving me the way I deserve to be loved.

Sound complicated? It did when I just read it. But I really hope that someone out there understands what I mean. I cant be anyone but me, and I don't want anyone who wants me to be someone else.

Rihanna - Hate That I Love You ft. Ne-Yo

This somewhat old school jam seems to apply!

A lovely evening one night in November

When I woke up this morning, I woke up wondering what our encounter this evening would be. When I got out the shower I looked at my canvas, asked it "what shall you be today"? My image responded, "doesn't matter as long as you look pretty". So that was my goal. As I shuffled through my wardrobe in my mind nothing seemed right. Then the thought occurred. He'll probably fake on you anyways so lets keep it simple. So I simply, but nicely combed my hair. I simply but nicely applied my makeup. "Not too much, you don't want to look like you're trying too hard. Stay within your comfort zone." Now my clothes hmmmm, I pulled out some jeans and a button down shirt. As the day progressed my heart fluttered when you called to confirm, My attire would no longer do. So I swung by the store. And only because I wanted to look pretty for you did I opt for the shirt that wasn't on the clearance rack. I even bought a new jacket... something I haven't done for myself in AGES! A simply nice outfit, but nothing over the top. I wanted to look pretty for you, but nothing over the top. When I came down the stairs your eyes showed their approval. My heart leaped.... SUCCESS! Riding with you was nice as you rambled on I wondered if you were as nervous as I was pretending not to be. So what you don't know is, or pretended not to notice... when you went to the bathroom my nervous behind drop my popcorn and spilled half of it on the floor! SCREAMING inside! "How could you have butter fingers now!" I kicked as much of it as I could to the row ahead of us in hopes that you wouldn't notice. I hope you didn't notice. I enjoyed our moment alone, it was nice to be out with you. It was nice to look at you without fighting. It was nice enjoying something with you. Riding home with you was nice, and our hug goodbye was new. It was the first time we've ever done that. I enjoyed it! The evening was refreshing and nice...

My love for you is not enough!

What is it about you? Why cant I shake you? Even when I HATE you and have to fight you to the death, I know on the other side of that thin line there's love. Afraid to admit it to the world because of all of the pain you've caused me. You offer me no future, no real tangible reciprocity. I know what the world in your arms feels like. I can lie to myself and say that my love for you is enough. But really its not, I wasn't happy because I wasn't getting back from you what I was giving you. I can try and justify it as the day is long, but no matter how you chop it, we all know I deserve better. Now I know you love me, you just have a real messed up way of showing it. Your expression of love only hurt me! Why? Because you could never love me more than you love yourself. You always have to bang your head against the wall. I cant wait around for you to get it together. And I cant wait for you to understand what it is that I need. Waiting for you is like waiting for Niagara Falls to run dry. I'm gonna ask my father what to do. I know I cant listen to my bleeding heart because the heart is treacherous.