That Stole my Heart!

When I was just a child, you stole my heart. It wasn't because you were beautiful although you were. But it was because you were conversational. Didn't matter what was going on in your world, you were willing to talk about it. Truth be told that stole my heart.
Didn't matter that you were already spoken for and that your gaze never came my way, as long as you were willing to talk to me I was content. But could such a crush last? Could such a crush be real? Pause that story a year or so for a little maturity, and here we are. Lying on the floor in my bedroom sneaking to talk to you while my parents weren't home. The sound of your voice made my heart leap for JOY! Any question I asked wasn't off limits, you would talk to me about anything. You even willingly sang for me. How could you know what I had been through to know how much that meant to me to have someone appreciate my attention that meant so much to me, but you were conversational, truth be told that stole my heart.
Suddenly you disappeared, suddenly you were gone. Oh how my heart ached for your conversation, oh how I wished I could talk to you. Fast forward some years, to a time when a child thinks they're grown. When a child thinks they can play adult games and suddenly you appeared. Not knowing how long your voice would be in my ear I touched you when I knew I shouldn't. Curse my feet for getting cold, but warm them up you did. You breathed life into my soul, provided a guarantee that I was not broken.
Oh the ups and downs of growing up. Willing to do ANYTHING to keep your conversation next to my heart, I HAPPILY conceded all my personal understandings of right and wrong. Like an addict to your words, didn't matter what you did just give me another hit and I will comply. After MANY years of rehab I still sit here remembering the effects of your words. All the conversations, and how they filled me up.
Although I know better than to touch the fire today, I gotta do some reading to remember why even the heat of the flame is a burn I cant handle. Like an addict I sit and reminisce over the conversations had.... truth be told that stole my heart more than any physical act ever could. Your conversation stole my heart when I was just a child, its useless to ask for it back now that I'm grown. I guess I'll just have to buy another one, just to let it be stolen again.

Poetry

Reading your poetry is like reading cryptic code sometimes. I'll read it and wonder if this beautiful soliloquy was meant for me. Your last submission for my eyes made my heart palpitate just for a moment. The almost enjoyment of your words came to a crashing HALT with your last line. A little bit angry it made me. Your beautiful love letter wasn't to me. Can you tell me why you torture me this way? What did I do that was so bad that you have to pen such beautiful words and make my eyes observe them, just to experience the disappointment of words not intended for me. This one was REALLY pretty. I really wanted this one to be mine, and just for me. I looked at your words in my inbox and then walked away. If you're trying to kill me off, don't worry you're succeeding. I wanted this one to be mine, this one was supposed to be for me. Oh well, when it comes to you... You were an unachievable dream. Thank goodness I stopped sleeping.

Comfort

"Lay down! And tell me what's on your mind! What exactly did he do to make you cry this time?"  I just feel like I need some comforting right now. And I guess that makes me look around frantically. Doesn't matter if the shoe doesn't fit, you're gonna wear it! Yea that type of thinking never works. My mind shifts back and forth, I move from settling to demanding. Too many times before in my life I've settled for the wrong kinds of men. And it seems like when I demand what I want and need I come up empty handed.

When I thought about it last nite, "The Guy" is a situation that should've never really happened. Yea sure I had a HUGE crush on him in high school. But all that we've been through together has always been forced. If we would've been honest with our selves and each other from the beginning I could've saved myself years of agony. I was never the type of female that he is looking for and needs in his life. And some how at some point he refused to be the man I need to be in mine.

Recently I liked someone else, and you know what it felt good to like him. But the closer I looked the more I could see that we weren't a good fit. At first it was the things that I am hard on myself for not being. But that didn't cause me to pause. It was the things that put a bad taste in my mouth. The attention was nice while it lasted, but it didn't last all that long actually.

Now there's no one there, I could always default to the one who held my heart for all those years, but its kind of like WHY???? I already know how that story's gonna end. So here I sit wanting to love, but no outlet for it. So I guess for now, I'll pretend that a beautiful baritone voice is singing this to me:

Talk to me, baby.
I'm listening.

Lay down.
And tell me what's on your mind.
What exactly did he do? To make you cry this time?
Well, I will be your comforter. I will make it right
He cast a shadow on your heart. And I will bring back your light
Come in...

I see he's hurt you again,
When you're in pain I'm in pain
That's part of bein' a friend.
But this is a special case.
I held my feelings back because of him
And now I can see more than ever
I made a big, big, big mistake.

I don't mean to disregard your feelings
But i think that he's a fool.
he don't know how sensitive you are
And baby, that just ain't cool.

I'm just glad I could be here for you
When you need a helping hand.
But deep inside my heart, from the start
I know I should have been your man.

Lay down.
And tell me what's on your mind.
What exactly did he do?Tell me what he do...
To make you cry this time? To make you cry this time?
Well, I will be your comforter. I will make it right
He cast a shadow on your heart. And I will bring back your light

I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.
I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.
I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.
I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.

Lay down. Please tell me, baby.
And tell me what's on your mind Tell me what's on your mind
What exactly did he do? To make you cry this time
Well, I'll be your comforter. I will make it alright
He cast a shadow on your heart. And I will bring back your light

Guilty

I keep stabbing myself all over with many MANY guilty pains. I fell victim to the same emotions that I've told you to check. I was the one who was fuming with anger. I was the one so upset I couldn't see past my emotions to understand what was going on. Guilty as charged! Its my fault!

Really?

Sometimes it feels like my soul longs to be tortured by the uncertain. How else would you explain my recent relapse into insanity? I thought I had thrown those rose color glasses away, maybe during a sleep walking adventure I purchased another pair, put them on my face and failed to realize I was wearing them as I awoke and went about my day. No? That excuse doesn't work either? How can I rationally explain what I have been feeling the last few weeks. The details my mind has glazed over. In an attempt to try to understand my feelings more I looked at some of my old writings. Some of my old feelings. And there they were, the reasons why these glasses must be DESTROYED and never purchased again. But how do I explain this to my heart? How can I get my heart on board? Hmmmm, Well there is one thing that I know to be true. The mind is POWERFUL and I must rely on it to see me through all of this. Logic tells me move on with my life, and even if no other man rises to the challenge he doesn't not deserve to stand in that spot ever again. To support my claim I offer the following:

1. His relationship status!
2. Has anything changed?
3. What is he offering you?

He's not even single and yet he's saying what to you? How can you downgrade to a guest appearance when at least before you were the Star of the show.
All the gripes and things that made you sad about your relationship before, aren't they still there? Has he taken ownership for any of the things that he did to contribute to the demise of your relationship? Your differences have not changed, and remember that's why it could never work.
And honestly what is he offering you? Something that you wouldn't even enjoy or want from him right now. As a good friend put it, I'm acting out of loneliness. But loneliness is never justification enough to step back into the shoes you abandoned before. Reclaim your focus, and apply it towards something beneficial and worth while. This reality check has been brought to you by your local logical thinking network service.

Disappointment

Staring at the keyboard, begging it to give me release. You see, contact from you this weekend has sent my head all around the world. A word of advice I was given once is if your mind gets stuck on a wrong action. Think it all the way through, think about the consequences, etc that would follow. And you know, that is very good advice, however my brain keeps tripping off the satisfaction of doing wrong. Although I know me, there's no way I'd enjoy the wrong. The whole time I would be kicking myself for messing up, no enjoyment. But in my mind I can enjoy it right? Wrong, if it stays on your brain too long it eventually becomes an action. One that I don't ever want to come about. So why right? Why even think about it? Why even ponder on it? Weakness I guess. No I know what it is, disappointment and settlement. You know how you start off with faith and determination and then as time marches on you begin to feel each moment that passes right under your skin you are no closer today than you were six years ago to where you want to be. You start to feel like this has to be all that I'm worth, there must not be anything better for me. Cause if there were wouldn't it have happened by now? I can argue both sides, in the end today I feel so lonely. Today I have no release for the affection that I NEED within my heart, tomorrow either for that matter. Pinned up and cornered in, depression is all I feel. I need a release just like anyone else. Its hard to want to be better, when there's no outlet for better it in my grasp.

Not Married

I cant seem to get this statement out of my head. "What I need you to remember is that we're not married!" That had nothing to do with the conversation, nor did it apply. WHAT? Where? Huh???? I don't get it. However, saying things like that reminds me of why you'll never get it again! That's my word!

Limits

Jump!
How high?

Now cry!
Until I'm dehydrated?

Love me!
Even when you don't love yourself?

I keep trying to deny it, I keep trying to fight it. But the more it surrounds me the harder it is to fight it. It all comes down to this, it is EXTREMELY difficult to love some one who doesn't love their self. Its not impossible, but you have to admit it provides it's own challenge. A person who doesn't love their self cant understand why you love them. They may make up superficial reasons to satisfy their inquiry, but in the end they will feel as though your love isn't enough in some way shape or form. I stand on the precipice of this realization as I watch the love that caused my existence cause me to question why I care. Quite simply my love and willing to be there for you wasn't enough to cause you to love yourself enough to honor my simple request. Alas, frustration and irritation for no reason, no good reason that is. If you don't love yourself, how can I love you? If you don't love yourself, how could you ever teach me to love myself. You may say the right thing, and feel the right way, but without the ability to show me the right way its as if you've taught me NOTHING! I am so disappointed in you. Indecision clouds my mind, can you ever be who I need you to be? I can accept you for who you are, but I cant keep spinning my wheels with you by caring. Loving you from a distance is my resolve, doesn't make me happy. But its necessary for all of our sanity.