That Stole my Heart!

When I was just a child, you stole my heart. It wasn't because you were beautiful although you were. But it was because you were conversational. Didn't matter what was going on in your world, you were willing to talk about it. Truth be told that stole my heart.
Didn't matter that you were already spoken for and that your gaze never came my way, as long as you were willing to talk to me I was content. But could such a crush last? Could such a crush be real? Pause that story a year or so for a little maturity, and here we are. Lying on the floor in my bedroom sneaking to talk to you while my parents weren't home. The sound of your voice made my heart leap for JOY! Any question I asked wasn't off limits, you would talk to me about anything. You even willingly sang for me. How could you know what I had been through to know how much that meant to me to have someone appreciate my attention that meant so much to me, but you were conversational, truth be told that stole my heart.
Suddenly you disappeared, suddenly you were gone. Oh how my heart ached for your conversation, oh how I wished I could talk to you. Fast forward some years, to a time when a child thinks they're grown. When a child thinks they can play adult games and suddenly you appeared. Not knowing how long your voice would be in my ear I touched you when I knew I shouldn't. Curse my feet for getting cold, but warm them up you did. You breathed life into my soul, provided a guarantee that I was not broken.
Oh the ups and downs of growing up. Willing to do ANYTHING to keep your conversation next to my heart, I HAPPILY conceded all my personal understandings of right and wrong. Like an addict to your words, didn't matter what you did just give me another hit and I will comply. After MANY years of rehab I still sit here remembering the effects of your words. All the conversations, and how they filled me up.
Although I know better than to touch the fire today, I gotta do some reading to remember why even the heat of the flame is a burn I cant handle. Like an addict I sit and reminisce over the conversations had.... truth be told that stole my heart more than any physical act ever could. Your conversation stole my heart when I was just a child, its useless to ask for it back now that I'm grown. I guess I'll just have to buy another one, just to let it be stolen again.

Poetry

Reading your poetry is like reading cryptic code sometimes. I'll read it and wonder if this beautiful soliloquy was meant for me. Your last submission for my eyes made my heart palpitate just for a moment. The almost enjoyment of your words came to a crashing HALT with your last line. A little bit angry it made me. Your beautiful love letter wasn't to me. Can you tell me why you torture me this way? What did I do that was so bad that you have to pen such beautiful words and make my eyes observe them, just to experience the disappointment of words not intended for me. This one was REALLY pretty. I really wanted this one to be mine, and just for me. I looked at your words in my inbox and then walked away. If you're trying to kill me off, don't worry you're succeeding. I wanted this one to be mine, this one was supposed to be for me. Oh well, when it comes to you... You were an unachievable dream. Thank goodness I stopped sleeping.

Comfort

"Lay down! And tell me what's on your mind! What exactly did he do to make you cry this time?"  I just feel like I need some comforting right now. And I guess that makes me look around frantically. Doesn't matter if the shoe doesn't fit, you're gonna wear it! Yea that type of thinking never works. My mind shifts back and forth, I move from settling to demanding. Too many times before in my life I've settled for the wrong kinds of men. And it seems like when I demand what I want and need I come up empty handed.

When I thought about it last nite, "The Guy" is a situation that should've never really happened. Yea sure I had a HUGE crush on him in high school. But all that we've been through together has always been forced. If we would've been honest with our selves and each other from the beginning I could've saved myself years of agony. I was never the type of female that he is looking for and needs in his life. And some how at some point he refused to be the man I need to be in mine.

Recently I liked someone else, and you know what it felt good to like him. But the closer I looked the more I could see that we weren't a good fit. At first it was the things that I am hard on myself for not being. But that didn't cause me to pause. It was the things that put a bad taste in my mouth. The attention was nice while it lasted, but it didn't last all that long actually.

Now there's no one there, I could always default to the one who held my heart for all those years, but its kind of like WHY???? I already know how that story's gonna end. So here I sit wanting to love, but no outlet for it. So I guess for now, I'll pretend that a beautiful baritone voice is singing this to me:

Talk to me, baby.
I'm listening.

Lay down.
And tell me what's on your mind.
What exactly did he do? To make you cry this time?
Well, I will be your comforter. I will make it right
He cast a shadow on your heart. And I will bring back your light
Come in...

I see he's hurt you again,
When you're in pain I'm in pain
That's part of bein' a friend.
But this is a special case.
I held my feelings back because of him
And now I can see more than ever
I made a big, big, big mistake.

I don't mean to disregard your feelings
But i think that he's a fool.
he don't know how sensitive you are
And baby, that just ain't cool.

I'm just glad I could be here for you
When you need a helping hand.
But deep inside my heart, from the start
I know I should have been your man.

Lay down.
And tell me what's on your mind.
What exactly did he do?Tell me what he do...
To make you cry this time? To make you cry this time?
Well, I will be your comforter. I will make it right
He cast a shadow on your heart. And I will bring back your light

I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.
I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.
I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.
I will comfort comfort comfort you.
I will I will comfort you.

Lay down. Please tell me, baby.
And tell me what's on your mind Tell me what's on your mind
What exactly did he do? To make you cry this time
Well, I'll be your comforter. I will make it alright
He cast a shadow on your heart. And I will bring back your light

Guilty

I keep stabbing myself all over with many MANY guilty pains. I fell victim to the same emotions that I've told you to check. I was the one who was fuming with anger. I was the one so upset I couldn't see past my emotions to understand what was going on. Guilty as charged! Its my fault!

Really?

Sometimes it feels like my soul longs to be tortured by the uncertain. How else would you explain my recent relapse into insanity? I thought I had thrown those rose color glasses away, maybe during a sleep walking adventure I purchased another pair, put them on my face and failed to realize I was wearing them as I awoke and went about my day. No? That excuse doesn't work either? How can I rationally explain what I have been feeling the last few weeks. The details my mind has glazed over. In an attempt to try to understand my feelings more I looked at some of my old writings. Some of my old feelings. And there they were, the reasons why these glasses must be DESTROYED and never purchased again. But how do I explain this to my heart? How can I get my heart on board? Hmmmm, Well there is one thing that I know to be true. The mind is POWERFUL and I must rely on it to see me through all of this. Logic tells me move on with my life, and even if no other man rises to the challenge he doesn't not deserve to stand in that spot ever again. To support my claim I offer the following:

1. His relationship status!
2. Has anything changed?
3. What is he offering you?

He's not even single and yet he's saying what to you? How can you downgrade to a guest appearance when at least before you were the Star of the show.
All the gripes and things that made you sad about your relationship before, aren't they still there? Has he taken ownership for any of the things that he did to contribute to the demise of your relationship? Your differences have not changed, and remember that's why it could never work.
And honestly what is he offering you? Something that you wouldn't even enjoy or want from him right now. As a good friend put it, I'm acting out of loneliness. But loneliness is never justification enough to step back into the shoes you abandoned before. Reclaim your focus, and apply it towards something beneficial and worth while. This reality check has been brought to you by your local logical thinking network service.

Disappointment

Staring at the keyboard, begging it to give me release. You see, contact from you this weekend has sent my head all around the world. A word of advice I was given once is if your mind gets stuck on a wrong action. Think it all the way through, think about the consequences, etc that would follow. And you know, that is very good advice, however my brain keeps tripping off the satisfaction of doing wrong. Although I know me, there's no way I'd enjoy the wrong. The whole time I would be kicking myself for messing up, no enjoyment. But in my mind I can enjoy it right? Wrong, if it stays on your brain too long it eventually becomes an action. One that I don't ever want to come about. So why right? Why even think about it? Why even ponder on it? Weakness I guess. No I know what it is, disappointment and settlement. You know how you start off with faith and determination and then as time marches on you begin to feel each moment that passes right under your skin you are no closer today than you were six years ago to where you want to be. You start to feel like this has to be all that I'm worth, there must not be anything better for me. Cause if there were wouldn't it have happened by now? I can argue both sides, in the end today I feel so lonely. Today I have no release for the affection that I NEED within my heart, tomorrow either for that matter. Pinned up and cornered in, depression is all I feel. I need a release just like anyone else. Its hard to want to be better, when there's no outlet for better it in my grasp.

Not Married

I cant seem to get this statement out of my head. "What I need you to remember is that we're not married!" That had nothing to do with the conversation, nor did it apply. WHAT? Where? Huh???? I don't get it. However, saying things like that reminds me of why you'll never get it again! That's my word!

Limits

Jump!
How high?

Now cry!
Until I'm dehydrated?

Love me!
Even when you don't love yourself?

I keep trying to deny it, I keep trying to fight it. But the more it surrounds me the harder it is to fight it. It all comes down to this, it is EXTREMELY difficult to love some one who doesn't love their self. Its not impossible, but you have to admit it provides it's own challenge. A person who doesn't love their self cant understand why you love them. They may make up superficial reasons to satisfy their inquiry, but in the end they will feel as though your love isn't enough in some way shape or form. I stand on the precipice of this realization as I watch the love that caused my existence cause me to question why I care. Quite simply my love and willing to be there for you wasn't enough to cause you to love yourself enough to honor my simple request. Alas, frustration and irritation for no reason, no good reason that is. If you don't love yourself, how can I love you? If you don't love yourself, how could you ever teach me to love myself. You may say the right thing, and feel the right way, but without the ability to show me the right way its as if you've taught me NOTHING! I am so disappointed in you. Indecision clouds my mind, can you ever be who I need you to be? I can accept you for who you are, but I cant keep spinning my wheels with you by caring. Loving you from a distance is my resolve, doesn't make me happy. But its necessary for all of our sanity. 

Just Once

I was driving in my car minding my own business when this song came on the radio. Yes an oldie, but goodie! But I couldnt have said it so well myself:

Just Once

I did my best
But I guess my best
wasn't good enough
'Cause here we are back
where we were before
Seems nothing ever changes
We're back to being strangers
Wondering if we oughta stay
or head on out the door

Just once
can't we figure out
what we keep doing wrong?
Why we never last for very long
What are we doing wrong?
Just once
can't we find a way to
finally make it right?
Make the magic last
for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it

I gave my all
But I think my all
may have been too much
'Cause Lord knows
we're not getting anywhere
Seems we're always blowing
whatever we've got going
And seems at times
with all we've got
we haven't got a prayer

Just once
can't we figure out
what we keep doing wrong?
Why the good times
never last for very long
What are we doing wrong?
Just once
can't we find a way to
finally make it right?
And make the magic last
for more than just one night
If we could just get to it
I know we could break through it

Just once
I want to understand
why it always comes
back to goodbye
Why can't we give
ourselves a hand?
And admit to one another
We're no good without the other
Take the best and make it better
Find a way to stay together

Just once
can't we find a way to
finally make it right?
Woh, make the magic last
for more than just one night
I know we can break through it
If we could just get to it
just once

Woh, we could get to it
just once

http://www.elyrics.net/read/j/james-ingram-lyrics/just-once-lyrics.html

And the shoe drops

Can it just be said that loving someone who constantly puts ANYONE ahead of you, BUT demands to be in front of everyone else does not work. You may have figured this out on your own, but I tell you. I am the slowest learner in this "Love" Game. My parents were good people who happened to love each other the right way right away. I'm so thankful they found each (not just because I am a product of their love) but because they deserve each other. Now me and my sibs on the other hand, we grew up in that love and then went forth out into the world. None of us are prepared for what lays out here. All these idiots who want to exploit your innocence. Its a cruel, cruel world. My short lived re-entry to the love world came to a screeching HALT Friday morning. With the excited exclamation that you wanted to take someone else the place that you promised to take me, I kicked myself for being so dumb. How many years are we going to play this game? How many times will I feel this way? Two days after our embrace I knew it wasn't gonna work, but I kind of hoped the good vibes would last a little longer. It was nice to see you without any trauma attached. It was nice to smile at you, and feel like you were welcomed in my home. But alas here we are. My emotions raging inside me, and you have no idea. Man! This place seems so familiar. Oh yea, that's right... I don't belong here.
.
 Dust yourself off, this time you only lost a kiss to him. It could've been worse. I just wish that when the other shoe dropped it didn't then take on a new life and stomp all over my head. Oh well. Here's to eternal singleness!

State of Confusion

Your fingers did the talking, but on schedule you spoke to my secret. Instead of denying what was screaming inside of me I let my fingers speak on it. In electronic agreement we met. In your arms I found myself. A place I have missed for years.

Hearing you speak to me, just wish it still didn't feel like pulling nails to even hear you admit to loving me. Why cant you just declare it, and mean it with all intensity. The smell of your breath is fresh on the morning dew. There's so much I want to say to you, but the words get in the way. My thoughts were suspended in a fog was I surrendered to your request. Missing you deeply, and needing you wholly I gave in to the moment.

Morning reflection has me in a state of confusion. My mind and heart are screaming at each other. The battle has begun, who knows how this will end. My heart leaps for joy as it says Yay, my mind takes it's battle stance as it says Nay! Maybe time will decide for me, who knows. Should I trust you? My mind says NO although my heart wants to desperately. Honestly I don't want to be with anyone else. But my mind says this will not end happily. What to do? What to do?

Kiss

What is the BEST kiss you've ever had?

All the sudden I decided I wanted to talk about this.The best kiss and first kiss (I mean time kissing someone) I've ever had was in high school. I cant even put into words what made that kiss so special to me. Maybe it was the fact for the FIRST TIME EVER the person I liked, liked me back. Maybe that has something to do with it. LOL! But yes my eyes roll into my head when I think about it even to this day.

Fast forward a couple years, and I remember telling someone that a kiss is a form of affection. And just like with anything else with me, I don't just give my kisses to just anyone. Then fast forward some more years and the guy that I whine about on here. Yea him... there was a period where we stopped kissing. I don't know why, all the sudden I felt inadequate to do it, from which I don't think I ever recovered. We did start kissing again and I liked it very much. But you'll NEVER hear me say.... "I'm a good kisser." Nope! Never! LOL!  I don't think I could proudly say, Yes I'm the best kisser... or even a good kisser. I'm not gonna lie to you, the thought of kissing someone new scares me. What if the person I attempt to kiss feels that the first kiss will tell them everything about our relationship in the future? I haven't been kissed in years (my fault I assure you) and I KNOW I'm gonna fumble that one when my next opportunity comes. Just because I will be extremely vulnerable and insecure about my skills. I just hope it doesn't matter in the end.... hope springs eternal!

Rainy Friday

So its a rainy Friday and I'm sitting on the edge many different feelings if you will.

• Am I happy? I guess so.
• Am I sad? Hmmm, I guess so.
• Am I excited? AAAAANNNN, I don't know.
• Am I surprised? Nope.
• What am I?
• Who am I?
• What do I wanna do?
• Who do I wanna be?

Oh, the thought of this is overwhelming at times. Even being the best me possible, would that be enough to be truly happy? No... so then why try? Because trying will make me happy? I don't know.

So this rainy Friday is wish day. What do I wish for? What would I need to be truly happy?

Of course this is after my life is reconciled to God. The freedom to understand and I mean truly understand the value that I add to.... shoot anything. It was the hardest thing for me to understand how much my father above sacrificed just so that I could have the opportunity to choose him. Some days I still feel unworthy of that, but that's a work in progress. But WHY oh why do I fail to understand how much I could mean to another human being? Could it be that the person I choose NEVER chooses me back. And the one guy I thought and believed chose me, turns out he "chose" me by default. I may NEVER forgive him for telling me that. But actually it was what I needed to hear when I heard it. It explained so much about our disconnect in our relationship. Here I was thinking that there was something wrong with me, when actually he was looking for me to be someone else. So it never really mattered what I did, I could never be her, so I would never be good enough. This realization stabs me over fifty million times in my soul. All the years, blood, sweat, tears, and agony over something that was beyond me. For reasons beyond explanation at the moment this person is still in my life. But its so not the same! His compliments sound weird now, his looks of approval seem false now. Whenever he attempts to be who he used to be to me, it feels..... I don't know but my heart doesn't leap for joy anymore. I used to LOVE him! Thinking of him was all I needed to be happy. Loving him gave me that burst of energy to RUN around that track. Watch what I was eating, the pounds were sliding off and I was loving me some him. But alas whenever I was feeling high, he found a way to bring me down. Shattered and depressed I remained on the floor. Why didn't I leave him then? I couldn't see past my love for him. I couldn't see that he wasn't loving me back. I know there's bits and pieces of me that he carries in his heart, how could you feel nothing for someone who loved you that much? But I don't think I could ever love him like I loved him before. I don't think I could be that blind again. So where does that leave me today? My mind and body have moved on, but my heart is just frozen.

So I guess I'm saying that I wish I understood why someone would want to be with me. And to feel like I am being the best me that would allow me to be comfortable with someone loving me the way I deserve to be loved.

Sound complicated? It did when I just read it. But I really hope that someone out there understands what I mean. I cant be anyone but me, and I don't want anyone who wants me to be someone else.

Rihanna - Hate That I Love You ft. Ne-Yo

This somewhat old school jam seems to apply!

A lovely evening one night in November

When I woke up this morning, I woke up wondering what our encounter this evening would be. When I got out the shower I looked at my canvas, asked it "what shall you be today"? My image responded, "doesn't matter as long as you look pretty". So that was my goal. As I shuffled through my wardrobe in my mind nothing seemed right. Then the thought occurred. He'll probably fake on you anyways so lets keep it simple. So I simply, but nicely combed my hair. I simply but nicely applied my makeup. "Not too much, you don't want to look like you're trying too hard. Stay within your comfort zone." Now my clothes hmmmm, I pulled out some jeans and a button down shirt. As the day progressed my heart fluttered when you called to confirm, My attire would no longer do. So I swung by the store. And only because I wanted to look pretty for you did I opt for the shirt that wasn't on the clearance rack. I even bought a new jacket... something I haven't done for myself in AGES! A simply nice outfit, but nothing over the top. I wanted to look pretty for you, but nothing over the top. When I came down the stairs your eyes showed their approval. My heart leaped.... SUCCESS! Riding with you was nice as you rambled on I wondered if you were as nervous as I was pretending not to be. So what you don't know is, or pretended not to notice... when you went to the bathroom my nervous behind drop my popcorn and spilled half of it on the floor! SCREAMING inside! "How could you have butter fingers now!" I kicked as much of it as I could to the row ahead of us in hopes that you wouldn't notice. I hope you didn't notice. I enjoyed our moment alone, it was nice to be out with you. It was nice to look at you without fighting. It was nice enjoying something with you. Riding home with you was nice, and our hug goodbye was new. It was the first time we've ever done that. I enjoyed it! The evening was refreshing and nice...

My love for you is not enough!

What is it about you? Why cant I shake you? Even when I HATE you and have to fight you to the death, I know on the other side of that thin line there's love. Afraid to admit it to the world because of all of the pain you've caused me. You offer me no future, no real tangible reciprocity. I know what the world in your arms feels like. I can lie to myself and say that my love for you is enough. But really its not, I wasn't happy because I wasn't getting back from you what I was giving you. I can try and justify it as the day is long, but no matter how you chop it, we all know I deserve better. Now I know you love me, you just have a real messed up way of showing it. Your expression of love only hurt me! Why? Because you could never love me more than you love yourself. You always have to bang your head against the wall. I cant wait around for you to get it together. And I cant wait for you to understand what it is that I need. Waiting for you is like waiting for Niagara Falls to run dry. I'm gonna ask my father what to do. I know I cant listen to my bleeding heart because the heart is treacherous.

N. Dalessio

Today I remembered an even older flame. What made this guy so SPECIAL??? I liked him from the moment I first laid eyes on him. That had never happened to me before and hasn't happened since. I liked him and I got the impression that he liked me. Our conversation instantly took off. Problem was there was someone in my life at the time. DARN! But we were friends... then wouldn't you know that person wasn't in my life anymore... but my friend didn't make a move. One night I left myself totally open and instead of taking advantage he was a complete gentleman. I SO NEEDED THAT more than what I wanted. But then wouldn't you know the guy I've been whining about came into my life. (SAD FACE!) At the time it seemed like a good idea because my friend wouldn't step up. Now I don't know which would've been worse... So I chose the guy who broke my heart. My friend even tried to talk me out of it. I wonder what would've happened if I would've chose him instead. Either way I was in trouble. My friend eventually stopped trying and moved on with his life. He moved out of the area, and I lost touch with him. I saw him a few years ago at the height of my depression, needless to say I don't look the same. I don't know that he recognized me. He didn't seem happy to see me. (Crying face) He brushed me off, and very nonchalantly said I'm getting married and having a baby. There's no point in thinking about him, when he clearly doesn't even remember me. I guess our two year friendship was forgettable to him. But for me, its something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. That never happened before or again. It was amazing and like something from a movie. You walk into work one day there's the oh so yummy new guy! I wasn't shy around him or anything like I normally am. There was something about him that made him different. There' s something about Mary???? No, its something about Neil.

Thank Goodness For The Good Ones: Totally effective ways to make the person you like notice you.

This really made me smile today check out her blog! Absolutely hilarious!

Thank Goodness For The Good Ones: Totally effective ways to make the person you like notice you.

Repetitive

I love you. I find myself thinking about you often. I remember how we used to be (my interpretation) and how good it felt to love you. My eyes roll as I think about kissing you, and my soul dances when I think about the moments where I got to just hold you in my arms. For someone so strong, you have always been so fragile. Private conversations we had play over and over in my mind. I miss you like crazy. But then reality sets in. AGAIN! The person I believed you were you are not. And your sense of ambition turns me off actually. Even if I was CRAZY and said to myself I can turn off everything that I know that makes me numb when I think of actually being with you, we've grown apart. The things you want with your life aren't the things that I even can pretend I want. I've never been concerned with being rich or well off. I just want to be OK. Able to take a vacation from time to time. Buy a dress if I want one, maybe some shoes. But I don't have that same desire like you do. You eventually want to have a baby. This world is so crazy how could I intentionally subject someone to this? But I often find myself wondering what it would be like to carry your seed and you actually be excited, happy, and on board with the idea. Knowing you even if you weren't happy about it, you would still paint the picture for me as if you were. But I know better. Regardless of how much you fight it, and no matter how times you try to deny it... I got your heart. You already know you have mine. Separated by everything else, clear vision, truth, circumstances as the result of choices. At this moment right now I love you. But tomorrow I'm moving on to someone new. All these repetitive thoughts must end.

Adele - Someone Like You

Almost Doesnt Count

You almost made me happy today
A small gesture misunderstood on my part
My eyes thought that my ears were being tickled and for a moment my heart went with it
Bliss was short lived as my eyes begged for a third look
Then the visual settled in and I thought I was going to be sick
The picture I thought you painted of the way we used to be
Well I took a closer look and realized that the woman in that picture wasn't me
She wasn't anything like me, and yet you constantly claim that she's BEAUTIFUL!?!?
You complain about her and the things she does which is why at first I assumed the woman was me
Well you know what happens you assume
Happiness short lived, disappointment returned
I live for the day when I'm free of this, you only seem to disappoint me

If the price is right?

Can you place a price on happiness?
If I gave you a pen and paper right now, what dollar amount would you write to make you happy?
I know I have a dollar amount in my head that would solve a lot of problems for me and my family.
But would it make me happy?
Um, to not have the financial stresses I have on my shoulders right now, it would definitely walk a little taller
I'd be able to answer my phone without worrying about the caller on the other end
But at night, I would still be lonely
I would still be me
So I say relief definitely has a price
But happiness.... is priceless
No matter what you cant buy love, true love anyways
You may be able to buy a good looking mate
But someone who truly loves you for who you are and cares you through thick and thin.... nope
And never fool yourself into thinking that if you think you've found true love that money cant or wont make or break the relationship
The lack of money is death of a lot of relationships
And money can be the reason for lack of trust and appreciation
So what is the right price for a successful relationship?
I wouldn't know.... I've never experienced it

I admitted it

I admitted it today
I admitted that I'm still in love with you
I still smell you
I still crave you
A lot of good that does me
I want someone I will not have
I guess I need to stop worrying about getting over you
And just make sure that I keep myself in line today
As long as you don't know that I still love you the world is saved
If asked I will deny it
If confronted I deny you
If cornered I will fight you
You will never know how long you remain in my heart
You will not know how long you stay on my mind
Its not for you to know, but in order to get over you I have to admit these things to myself
So here's to the truth

Kind of missing u

Today I find myself in a "Kind of missing you mood"
I miss the way you used to kiss me
The way you used to hold me
The way you used to talk to me
The way your voice sounded when you couldn't talk
The way your breathing changed
The way your bear hold felt
The way you used to dance when you were making fun
The way you would look at me when you found yourself surprised by your attraction to me
The way your voice would sound when you were just jealous
The way you would take care of me when I was sick

You were my idea of what a man should be. Even when I didn't like you I LOVED you! Missing you was the worst, because I would have to pretend that I didn't miss you. I was never strong enough to punish you the way you needed to be punished when you were wrong. And my sorry little attempts to punish you were nothing compared to what you deserved. Do you ever find yourself missing  us? Missing the way we used to be? Back when I actually believed you were the man you presented yourself to be. Leaving you was the hardest thing I've had to do to date. Some days I'm just MAD at you for not being who you said you were. For not being the man you said you were. The man you sold me on, I still CRAVE him, and most days it hurts most that he doesn't exist. All the things I thought we shared, the effect I thought I had on you. All for nothing! None of it real! Everybody plays the fool right? Why couldn't you have been real? Why couldn't we have had a family? Why couldn't we have been happy? Seems that today you confuse ambition with direction. You confuse accumulation with satisfaction. I've already looked down that road and I know where this is heading. Hopefully one day you'll get it together and know and understand the difference. But who am I to tell you, you already got it all figured out.

Deep Voices

Its something about a man with a deep voice
Tell me a story, sing me a song
Say anything as long as you keep talking to me
I love deep voices!
Say my name! In the deepest tone you can muster say my name!
I love it! Read me a bedtime story, say anything, just keep talking...

Broken Heart

So as I lay here alone my loneliness surrounds me
No matter how much I try to get used to the idea of being alone it just doesn't seem right or fair
The man I loved, didn't love me back
Many years wasted, unnecessary pain endured
Now I struggle to move on
Its been three years and I still cant seem to get it together
The first time I attempt to allow someone in that space....
It doesn't work out for me
Thinking about him today annoyed the stink out of me
I chose to deal with the ridiculousness that was that man because I didn't want to deal with the craziness of the new guys. Why must we kiss so many frogs before we find our prince?

The love is failing me

I always thought that if u shower someone with love u will get it back.
But I guess today I stand corrected twice!
No 1 told me u cant love a man who doesnt know what love is.
Or that at some point he would show up n ur seed.
Lovin that man felt right bcuz n my heart I knew I was givin him something hes nvr experienced.
Showerin his seed with all the love I couldnt give him gave me an outlet to leave him.
But here I sit today with no outlet and only pain
Whenever he says go hard, my heart says no
But I guess we're dealin with him, so he should know
Sittin here on the floor feelin like I've failed.
My love is failin me, how on earth do I win?

Not feeling the Love 2nite!

I dont like to scream
I like to talk and to be heard
I like to understand how a person is feeling
What's goin on in their mind
But if u shut down on me neither one of us wins
Now I'm yelling out of frustration
Lack of understanding in the air
Ur lookin at the people around u
Thinkin they got it better than u
U dont realize how good u had it
Ur messin up
Fix it!

Hello

So this will be my first of many things that I cant say on FB BUT! I guess I can say them here. Welcome to my world!